As I enter that reflective state that is so common as we grow closer to that 365th day, I can’t help but to conclude that, above and beyond the obvious shitastic events humanity endured in 2016, it was a very odd year for me personally. Nothing major had happened, there were no life changing events. So was I imagining it, was I being dramatic? That’s when I realized that 2016 had the distinguishing honor of being the prologue to what is bound to be a period of personal growth and transformation.
Being 29, I really didn’t think that could be the case because I have everything figured out, right?
Not right, in case you’re wondering.
It took some time to pinpoint exactly from where this was all coming.
For the better part of the year, there has been a pervasive sense of apathy and indifference that has taken root within my being, ebbing and flowing, but always present; a sensation that I couldn’t quite pin down yet all the while having an intuitive answer that I did my best to ignore. It weight on me, but I never spoke of it, unsure of how to give voice to something I hadn’t yet figured out myself. Until finally the dam broke and I laid bare my concerns to my best friend. When the dam broke, other emotional struggles came pouring out. With a background in psychology and personal struggles with mental illness, she confirmed what I already thought, that this sounds like depression as well as some issues with unresolved emotional trauma. There are no official diagnoses, but I’m treating it as such and with due consideration. I don’t do emotion well, but I have finally realized the harm that has been done by burying and ignoring it. I’m on unfamiliar terrain, and if it weren’t for this friend, I would be hopeless lost. Needless to say, I have my work out for me to get to a better place mentally and emotionally.
Something else that I figured out earlier in the year is that I need to stop comparing myself to other bloggers, other Twitter accounts, and other fangirls in general. I had been increasing my involvement in fandom, seeking out new avenues and interactions in which to explore my geekier interests via social media and other online sites. But such is the nature of my personality that I began to focus too much on creating a name for myself (which is just not going to happen, let’s be honest) and started to lose sight of what was most important, the love I had for the shows/movies/characters that had brought me there in the first place. So I took a multifaceted break to evaluate what my true purpose was having a blog and being on social media, what was I trying to achieve? In a world where so much is available at the tap of a finger, it’s extraordinarily easy to get caught up and swept in the machinations of the Internet, it whatever form you experience it. There is still some figuring out to do, but I’m going back to the basics, talking about and sharing things I love and that I find important (geeky, bookish, personal, worldly, and anything in between), just hopefully with a touch more confidence this time around.
All of this culminated into a renewed sense of vigor and purpose. I refuse to let the unpleasantness of 2016 and the uncertainty of 2017 drag me down. Instead I will run headlong into the coming days, months, and years. I will reach for new highs, I will seek out new experiences, and I will, most simply, enjoy life.